Manawolf (manawolf) wrote,
Manawolf
manawolf

  • Mood:

I am a shiny thing

Um, yeah.

So, I cannot set boundaries, and I cannot set limits. They're all very well and fine in theory, but when it comes down to the moment to say No, I think I am being selfish, or chicken, or passing up on a chance for experience, and waffle myself into whatever I really should not be doing. (Unless I have a hard & fast external rule to refer to - i.e., when I was in college & had promised chythar I wouldn't do drugs, I didn't do drugs.  It's easy when something falls into categories.)

I overextend myself. I give too much. I erase my own needs and limits in favor of what I think other people may need or want. The fun part is, I cannot tell. I am so busy enjoying myself on other people's behalf that I don't really know what I would rather be doing.

I'm being dramatic, it's not always like that. I will not characterize all my social relationships that way, and I don't wish to throw guilt trips upon my genuine friends. But I really honestly do give of myself what I shouldn't. Giving is okay, but I do not know where to draw the line.

So, I have gone into a period of withdrawal, tending to my own house, figuring out my needs, living my life for once instead of ten other people's. Trying to figure out what's going on in this thing called life, where I'm going, how I want things to be. And I'm lucky enough to have found two people who make this possible, who actually love me for me, who actually care about me and not about what they get out of me.

And it seems that other people to whom I have given are jealous of what they are no longer recieving. I feel like a shiny thing that has been tugged around by masses, and when said shiny thing retreats to actually take care of itself, children cry because they no longer have the shiny thing that made them feel good.

Honestly. I have given so. much. And now, I'm not giving so that I can actually take care of myself, and I get people upset about it? I maybe should feel flattered that I am missed or wanted, but that's hard when it doesn't feel like people are doing it because they care about me - just because they miss what I used to give them.

The shiny thing needs to tend to itself for a while. Real friends will understand, and not ask of the shiny thing what it is not giving. Everyone else - fill in the goddamned blank.

Left public because, god knows, there's just not not enough drama on the Internet. 
Tags: chythar, crai moar, depression, drama, household, mood, otana, sardonicus
Subscribe

  • Flist maintenance

    So I just did an F-list purge. I'm very liberal with my friends list - if someone friends me, I will usually friend back once I get around to…

  • The nature of fishkeeping

    RIP Comet, the goldfish, last holdover of tesstheredpony. Um... anyone want a 10G fishtank? Stand, filter, light, maybe a book or two…

  • Gaming win

    I just beat the Tower of Druaga! *dances* Ow. *dances carefully* Plus I haven't had to take any vicodin today. I'm not pain-free, but I went out…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 20 comments

  • Flist maintenance

    So I just did an F-list purge. I'm very liberal with my friends list - if someone friends me, I will usually friend back once I get around to…

  • The nature of fishkeeping

    RIP Comet, the goldfish, last holdover of tesstheredpony. Um... anyone want a 10G fishtank? Stand, filter, light, maybe a book or two…

  • Gaming win

    I just beat the Tower of Druaga! *dances* Ow. *dances carefully* Plus I haven't had to take any vicodin today. I'm not pain-free, but I went out…