October 25th, 2002

Kittens +  Grenade

If I were Me...

2_gryphon wrote these thought-provoking words: ...quite often, people will believe they want one thing, when what they really want is much simpler. A fancy car will be desired when what's really wanted is to be envied. Greater intelligence or wit could be wished for when the real wish is simply to be accepted or have more friends....
So very often, people will attach an emotional need to a physical thing and then throw everything they have into pursuing that physical thing. And so very often, they find that after they have that physical thing, the emotional need is still there.
So, what about furs? What about ME? Would I like to be a real gryphon? Certainly I would! I've dreamed of being such a creature since I was a child. Wished for it, begged for it, CRIED for it! And I know that many furs are the same. But ask yourself... Why? Is it really because you have an instinctual desire to be a different creature? Or do you want something simpler?
If you were in a complete void, with no other people or creatures, would you still want to be a fur? What if the process that turned you into a fur rendered you incapable of enjoying sex? ... Do you want to be different? Special? Feared? Do you want to be beautiful? Do you want to be free? Or dangerous, or powerful, or immortal, or important? Or do you just not want to have to be afraid of the world anymore?
Ask yourself why you *really* want the physical form you desire. And then ask... If you had it, would your problems disappear?

And that little diatribe spawned enough of a thought train that I thought I'd just put it in my journal! No, I can't think of anything interesting on my own, I gotta use other people. 8D

Well.... my full persona form would be pretty impossible to achieve - even overlooking the manna-channeling abilities and mood-change fur, my wingspan would need to be truly ridiculous to enable me to fly. (I would be willing to give up quite a bit of mass to make that possible, tho. Hmmm, exchanging flight for 2 feet of height... heck, I'm short anyhow. ;D ) But seeing as how this is all fantasy in the first place...

Would I Be my persona? Absolutely. No doubt. Why? There's the fascination with flying - I thoroughly enjoy flying in airplanes, I love heights, I dream regularly about flying to the extent that I can -Feel- the wing muscles and air currents around me. I want digitigrade feet - not only would it solve my flat foot problem, I'd be a lot more agile. I want a muzzle - so it would affect my speech, big deal, the increased sinus capacity and just plain Coolness would be more than worth re-learning how to talk. The only part I'd waver on having IRL is the talons - my job requires typing, and I'm not sure how they would affect my drawing ability. I would also want to retain color vision. As for sex, that's impaired enough anyway (antidepressants have some not-so-peppy side effects), so as long as I could still get pleasure from those nerve endings I don't imagine that would change things much. I'm going to assume there are no hidden gigantic pitfalls or catch-22s inherent in this deal. ^_^

Solve my problems? Definitely not. It'd create more, if anything - I imagine to maintain muscle tone for flight, my metabolism would be very high, so the food bill would go up. Fitting clothes would be Interesting, I'd be more sensitive to city smells (as if I'm not enough already), and if the transformation came with the full package, my fur would change color with my mood - THAT certainly has disadvantages! Everyone would know my basic state of mind just by looking at me, I couldn't hide a thing! And goodness knows the trouble I'd have to go to in order to get to a good launch point to fly. ^_^ Never mind the fact that our place would shortly be completely buried in wolf hair. And I'd smell really bad if I got caught in the rain.

But the reason I want a different physical form is not because I believe it would solve all my problems. It is not (well, not all) dissatisfaction with my internal/emotional self that prompts a wish for external/physical change... it's a wish to experience the world through a slightly different set of senses and capabilities. To spread my wings and feel air currents and see the land spread out like a tapestry before me. To bite into food with powerful canine teeth. To walk with the spring and balance of a tail and digitigrade feet. To know I am always completely honest with the world, whether I want to be or not. To see out of peripheral vision my own body with a coat of fur. To catch a glance of myself in a window reflection and see a bona fide eaglewolf. Other people's reactions? They can go to hell, or supplement my income by throwing money at me for interviews and book publishing rights. -:D While appearance and vanity are often a large part of the personas people have, in my case it is not for the reactions of other people that I want to have this form, it is for myself - what I see in the mirror and how I experience the world.

And I have done entirely enough talking now. *looks around* Nope, still no work.... argh... I'm gonna be hard-pressed not to go crazy to stay the minimum two hours here. Don't think I'm going to be able to stay any longer than that.